Pirate Ship Emails
by WassailWotters
Summary: If our beloved Pirates of the Caribbean characters had email access, it might look something like this..
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** we don't own PotC, eBay, Facebook, or any other corporations mentioned here. Seriously, please to not be suing.

**Warning:** contains slash; contains het; contains irreverent mocking; contains love-dodecagon; etc.

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**Part I**

**From:** customerservice(at)ebay. com  
**To:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** Order Confirmation

This e-mail is to confirm that "William F. Turner" ordered:

2 Genuine Facsimile Longsword

Your total is: £ 23.98

These plastic factory-made swords are guaranteed to shine, swish, and slash as if a talented blacksmith forged them!

"eBay: because one man's trash is another man's bargain shopping."

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**From:** wallmaster(at)facebook. com  
**To:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** Elizabeth Swann wrote on your Wall…

Elizabeth Swann wrote something on your Facebook Wall.

"omg Will u'll never guess the rumor I herd today!! every1 is saying tat a pirate landed at the port and now hes in Port Royale!!!1 i kno, lyk, reely here!1… its soooo exciting, don't u think so?? it makes me remember how we met… ;-)"

At Facebook, we are dedicated to bringing you news of your friends and other acquaintances around the clock,  
The Facebook Team

"Have you poked your stalker today?"

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**From:** rumlover(at)blackpearl. org  
**To:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** Hello from the four seas!

My Dear Commodore,

It is my sincere and great pleasure to inform you that your old friend, the one and only Captain Jack Sparrow, has found the time in his busy schedule to fit a visit to Port Royale in between marauding and pillaging. 'Tis my dearest wish to bask in your presence once more. Alas, the cruel fates (and your inexplicable desire to throw me into prison) have conspired to keep us apart.

But seriously, ditch the hairpiece. That which we call a wig by any other name would look as fake. And it makes you look old, Fair Norrington.

Your Devoted Arch-Nemesis,  
Captain Jack Sparrow

"Your donations keep us afloat!"

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**From:** comments(at)livejournal. com  
**To:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** Jack S. has commented on your entry.

You wrote:

Life is just so cruel to poor, poor Will. I love her so, so much… she's my everything, and someone I'd die for… but, alas! All she ever talks about is her fairytale, mystery man. How can I make her understand that we are meant to be? Oh, oh! She's my precious Swan! -angst angst-

Jack S. commented:

Mate, I just happened upon your livejournal… lad, you've got some serious emo issues. Try a swig of rum and then see how you feel. :-)

"LiveJournal: all your angst is belong to us!"

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**From: **powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**To: **rumlover(at)blackpearl. org  
**Subject:** RE: Hello from the four seas!

Sparrow,

I am overcome with joy at your kind sentiments. Why, I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside! Unfortunately, I find myself unable to meet you for our appointed wig-shopping expedition, as my duty to the crown calls. I'm sure I can catch up with you later… at the gallows.

Commodore Norrington

P.S.: How much did you have to pay in bribes to get yourself a "nonprofit" domain?

"Look stoic."

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**From:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** minions(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject: **Very Seekrit Plans!!1!!1

Minions,

Through confidential sources, highly sensitive information regarding the whereabouts of one Jack Sparrow has been received. I want everyone currently stationed in Port Royale to be on high alert for a tall, dreadlocked pirate with a girly swagger and too much eyeliner. Show no mercy, but do try to keep him alive. I plan to spear him with my own bayonet…

Commodore Norrington

"Look stoic."

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**From:** matchmaker(at)lonelyhearts. com  
**To:** captainzombie(at)blackpearl. org  
**Subject:** Account Confirmation

Dear Mr. Barbossa,

This e-mail is to confirm your registration with us at LonelyHearts. com. At LH, we are dedicated to finding you The One.

Your profile:

_Name:_ Hector Barbossa  
_Age:_ not a day older than 20  
_Appearance:_ scruffy

_Interests:_ looting, pillaging, plundering, marauding, holding young women hostage on my pirate ship… nothing else really comes to mind. Oh! and apples. I'm very interested in apples.

_Seeking:_ anyone with dreadlocks, a broken compass, and a devastatingly handsome smile.

"Lonely Hearts: where you can find your first mate!"

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**Authors' Note:** Thanks for reading! This is a short test chapter. Please tell us if we should continue!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** -insert snarky, witty, and altogether clever disclaimer here-

**Part II**

**From: **uglyduckling(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** My Cordial Congratulations

Commodore,

I have long said that you would be destined for greatness, my boy, and it seems you have proven me correct with your recent success. Few men in the grand empire of Britain can claim to have gotten the better of Sparrow, but it seems that even fewer can say the same of Commodore Norrington! My dear James, if truth be told, I have always felt a deep admiration for you. We be-wigged men sometimes have a hard lot in life, but such upstanding figures as you and I must prove that more hair does not make one a winner!

In congratulations, then, it is my honor to offer you the hand of my daughter in marriage. Though she may be a bit flighty for a Swann (ha! ha!), I am sure that you will fall for her charms. For example, she is excellent at cooking, especially if you enjoy finely charred grilled cheese (her specialty), and she has hidden depths of interests- why, she has been spending so much time at the blacksmith's forge lately that she must be an expert on swords!

Looking forward to welcoming such a hero into our family,  
Governor Swann

"Please, don't take my wig!"

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**From:** activation(at)puzzlepirates. com  
**To:** rumlover(at)blackpearl. org  
**Subject:** Account Confirmation

Dear Mr. Sparrow,

This e-mail is to confirm your registration at PuzzlePirates. com!

Your account information:

_Username:_ hotdishjack  
_Password:_ puppeteer

To activate your account, please click on this link.

If you have not registered with us, and wish to no longer receive these e-mails, please click on this dead link.

Thank you!  
PuzzlePirates(tm)

"We're totally not selling your e-mails and personal information as you read this. :-)"

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**From:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** palelady(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** Marriage Proposal

My dear Miss Swann,

Although I may not be the most eloquent of men, it is my duty… er, privilege… er, joy… yes, it is my great joy to write you this romantic email in hopes of gaining your hand in marriage. Here is a rose to set the mood:

O;-'-,---

To quote Mr. Collins, a personal idol of mine, "You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered the house or, in this case, Port Royale, I singled you out as the companion of my future life." In fact, the great Mr. Collins was proposing to an Elizabeth, just as I am! Clearly this is fate.

I look forward to your reply.  
Commodore James Norrington

P.S.: Do you know what "dissemble" means?

"Look stoic."

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**From:** palelady(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**Bcc:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** RE: Marriage Proposal

O.o wat do u mean?11!?1 omg lyk, well, I dno wat u're sayin but itz lyk in tat book amirite?1 I dint read it but I saw the movie….. ahh! colin firth is soooooo hawt.

"Lyk, u try wering a corset."

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**From:** capnzombie(at)blackpearl. org  
**To:** minions(at)blackpearl. org  
**Subject:** The Loot

Gentlemen,

It is my pleasure to inform you that after months of hard work, we have managed to track down and capture the culprit of the recent flood of bad chatspeak… er, that is, I mean to say, the girl who has the last piece of cursed gold. Same diff, right?

Undead,  
Your Cap'n,  
Barbossa

"An apple a day… didn't do me a lot of good."

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**From:** comments(at)livejournal. com  
**To:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** James N. had commented on your entry

You wrote:

Omg, things just keep getting worse for me!! First I broke a nail opening my package of swords I bought online… I mean, welding swords in a manly fashion. Then I received the most horrible, the most tragic, the most absolutely heartbreaking news: the one true luv of my life is engaged to another man!!!1!!1

I'm sorry, I had to stop writing and sob a little bit. It's just… so hard for me! Oh, I have never asked for much in life! I am but a poor orphan, trying to make a living in the harsh trade of blacksmithing!! What did I ever do to deserve such bitter betrayal?? Oh, Elizabeth, my looooove!!1!

James N. commented:

Oh, pipe down and stop abusing the exclamation points. Can you tell if she actually accepted my proposal? Because I have no idea…

"Livejournal: all your angst is belong to us!"

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**From:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov; uglyduckling(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** ZOMGWTfdsvawc

My esteemed Governor and hated love-rival,

Have either you noticed the absence of Elizabeth? Word in the forums is that she's been captured by the fear pirate Barbossa!  
What can I do to help the rescue effort?

Yours sincerely and earnestly,  
Will Turner

"I'm just a poor blacksmith, nothing to see here..."

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**From:** powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** uglyduckling(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject:** FW: ZOMGWTfdsvawc

Sir,

The foppish lad has a point. We must go rescue my future bride!

"Look stoic."

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**From:** uglyduckling(at)weselltea. gov  
**To: **notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**Subject: **RE: ZOMGWTfdsvawc

Will, I really don't know what any of us could do… You see, it's not like the navy has many ships that we could spare to send out after Elizabeth… We never really recovered from that Spanish Armada, you know!

Besides, Elizabeth is a tough girl. I'm sure she'll be fine, and maybe her dashing young fiancé will rescue her and win her heart forever!

Regards,  
Governor Swann

"Please don't take my wig!"

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**From:** notapirate(at)weselltea. gov  
**To:** rumlover(at)blackpearl. org  
**Subject:** FW: RE: ZOMGWTfdsvawc

Captain Sparrow,

You wouldn't happen to know a good way to procure a ship quickly, would you? Or perhaps how to sail a ship? Maybe even how to embark on a pirate expedition, you know, the kind that looks very attractive to young ladies?

Welcoming your help,  
Will Turner

P.S.: Didn't England win the Spanish Armada? Like, a couple centuries ago?

"I'm just a poor blacksmith, nothing to see here…"

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**From:** notapirate(at)weselltea.gov  
**To:** seller(at)craigslist. com  
**Subject:** Ship for Sale

Dear Sir,

I would like to purchase the ship you have available for sale. Would you consider it suited for a pirate voyage? This is merely a matter of personal curiosity, you see, for I would definitely not want to do any pirate-y things with said ship. Definitely not. I'd just like to know.

Will Turner (No relation to any other Turners you might know of.)

"I'm just a poor blacksmith, nothing to see here…"

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**Authors' Note: **Thanks for your great reviews! We will be continuing this fic, so it should loosely follow the plot of the first movie. Please review and let us know what you thought of this chapter!


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